Even though I really appreciate being able to live here again, I really wish I wasn't. Lately everything has seemed like I'm not a part of it. I feel like I keep getting left out, or no one wants to do what I want to. Or they just expect me to be okay with following them around all day.
I really really really really want my job back at Jazz, but I feel like if I keep bugging them I'll irritate them and end up not getting it. I want my own place, I want to feel independent again. I want to have things, and not worry about the gas in my car or how many cigarettes I have left in the pack. I want the things I had before Mike. I feel like he just took everything I had. Material and emotional. I wish I could rewind time, and never have started working at sonic. I wish I would have stayed enrolled in college classes even though times were super tough. I wish I had the self disapline to stick to the things I want to do. I'm starting to realize with as much as everyone else likes me, I don't like myself. and what good is that? I need to make myself over, on the inside. So maybe then I can feel like a good person. idk, this is all just venting, all the shit inside that I don't ever talk about anymore. I guess thats why I've been feeling so trapped, because I just can't get everything out anymore. I'm afraid to speak, and more afraid that people won't listen. I hate feeling like this, when I should know that there are people around me that care, and want to help me. But I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be the one crying and throwing pity parties all the time. I don't even know how to say what else I'm feeling. I am so confused. about everything. Its like nothing about myself makes any sense anymore.