Youu are a stupid fuckkin hoe and a TERRIBLE mother! Youu want me to talk shit, well this is me talkin shitt. But not really, cause its the fuckkin truth!
I hatee how youu are so fuckking needy and clingyy and NEVER TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD! I dont know what the fuckk is wrong with you?! I don't understand how youu cant just take care of your fuckking kid! Youu are the one that layed the fuckk down and spread your nasty stinkyy diseased legs and let that beast inside you! SO FUCKING GROW UP! Quit sayingg youu are suchh a great mom, and that youu do so muchh! You don't do shit. EVER.
Youu are a peice of shit, and I swear to god, I HOPE you get your child taken away from youu. I hope he ends up someplace better that with someone that isn't even going to get up and PLAY with him. Even when youu are awake you are laying down and someone else is taking care of him. Or telling youu what to do!
Youu always start drama over stupid shit even after youuu say you hate drama. Well honey, actions speak louder than words! And all youu do is get all over everything and start nothing but shit. Youu are just, revolting! Not likee your uneducated ass knows what that word means though!
I just cant even stand to look at youu most of the timee. Youu need to wake the fuckk up and learn some shit. And I dont just mean GED classes either.
And trust me, I wont be deleting this, and I actually do hopee youu see this. I hopee to god youu get a fuckking head on your shoulders sometime soon!

Even though I really appreciate being able to live here again, I really wish I wasn't. Lately everything has seemed like I'm not a part of it. I feel like I keep getting left out, or no one wants to do what I want to. Or they just expect me to be okay with following them around all day.
I really really really really want my job back at Jazz, but I feel like if I keep bugging them I'll irritate them and end up not getting it. I want my own place, I want to feel independent again. I want to have things, and not worry about the gas in my car or how many cigarettes I have left in the pack. I want the things I had before Mike. I feel like he just took everything I had. Material and emotional. I wish I could rewind time, and never have started working at sonic. I wish I would have stayed enrolled in college classes even though times were super tough. I wish I had the self disapline to stick to the things I want to do. I'm starting to realize with as much as everyone else likes me, I don't like myself. and what good is that? I need to make myself over, on the inside. So maybe then I can feel like a good person. idk, this is all just venting, all the shit inside that I don't ever talk about anymore. I guess thats why I've been feeling so trapped, because I just can't get everything out anymore. I'm afraid to speak, and more afraid that people won't listen. I hate feeling like this, when I should know that there are people around me that care, and want to help me. But I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be the one crying and throwing pity parties all the time. I don't even know how to say what else I'm feeling. I am so confused. about everything. Its like nothing about myself makes any sense anymore.

I swear, I feel like the shittiest person ever every timee I'm around her.
She makes me feel like I commited the worst crimee ever.
Like I freaking killed a babyy or somethingg.
And I try,
I try so damned hard to let her know that I still love her.
And I'm still here for her.
And, that I am so sorry.
Because I really am.
I hatee that I hurt her.

There are so many things I want him to know.
Like, I never would have left him if he didn't start hitting me and constantly accusing me of stuff.
Or, I still love him, but I know I don't deserve that.
And, I really miss laying next to him every night.
It's getting easier to fall asleep at night, but only because I know things will work out for the best.
They always do.
Even if they have to get worse before they get better.
Like always.

I don't get why people have to be so self centered.
Other people are going through hard times too, its not just you.

I almost feel like an imposter in my own skin.
It just doesn't fit.
The person I am is completely new.
Someone I've never met.
Strange,
how you can be a stranger to yourself.

I feel like I have to find myself,
obviouslyy, its the name of my blog. haha.
But seriously, there's a me in here somewhere, and at this point I have NO IDEA where she is. Or who she is. I'm taking my time trying to figure all this out, trying to figure me out.
Especially after everything lately.
I'm just spending time with the people that make me smile, trying not to sweat the little stuff, and thinking about what I need.
Not anyone else but me.
I'm the only one I have to watch out for right now, and thats all I need.

Disappointment...

Thats all I feel right now. I can't believe youu are saying things that hurtful. Yes I was fed up, you have NO idea what I went through. I understand what I did wasn't smart, I know I hurt youu, but I didn't do it on purpose, and to me that counts for something. You are NOT the person I thought youu were. The world has corrupted you. I don't know when your life got so goddamned bad. You get everything handed to youu,but because your friends pull you into drama and the boys won't leave youu alone you think your life is over. well guess what? ITS NOT! I thought you cared about people, genuinely, but I can see thats not the case. Youu will get your reality check one dayy, and I hope its not a hard lesson learned... You know, likee thinking you had found the love of your life only to find out he is an abusing, lying, troubled peice of shit. I went through hell. And you care about the fact I left youu out of something rather than the fact that I've been beaten and bruised, inside and out.

There are times I look in the mirror and I hate myself.
It happens more and more the last few days.
"I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I fake it.
I don't think I'm faking it that well.
I just need something...
Something different.

I never thought I would be someone that would go through something like that. Some people may say that what I went through wasn't so bad. That I got out early, I was lucky we didn't have any kids. And all of that is true, but I did go through it, and it does still hurt. I thought I had no way out, no way to get stable enough financially to leave him. I mean, I had nothing without him, because he made it that way. He would freak out on me for looking in the general direction of a male, and that caused problems at my job, he came and started drama and I lost an amazing job.I just hope I can get it back. I don't feel complete anymore. I feel like there is a big hole, and I don't know how to fill it. I can't be like my mother, and lose everything to an addiction, so I know I can't find condolence in a bottle or any type of drug, and writing seems to help a little bit, makes me feel like the hole is a little smaller. Talking to old friends helps a lot more than I thought it could. Even just those random convos in the middle of the night saying "how have you been?". It makes me feel good to know someone thinks SOMETHING of me. I feel numb. I don't hurt, I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I just can't feel a thing, and honestly, I think I like it.

I haven't been on here in a really long time. There is so much that has happened, and I've been thinking this would be a good way to get some of this shit out. I feel like shit, and nothing makes any sense. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I did everything I could to try to make him see that what he was doing was killing me, and everytime I did, he turned it around. Made it all about him. And I fell for it everytime and always ended up feeling like the worst person ever. I can't believe I ever let it even start. I don't know what happened to me when I was around him. I was completely defensless, I felt like I had no one but him, and I know thats how he wanted it. I could never spend time with anyone without supposedl cheating on him, or something stupid. I was kept from everyone, and I let it happen. I can;t even begin to describe how good it feels to know that even after I let him do that to me, the people that loved me before still love me even though I let him separate me from everyone. I just feel lucky to have gotten out while the little amount of self respect I have left is still there.

RIP 2010

Last year was one that I will never ever forget. So much happened, graduated high school, moved out of my parents house, turned 18, got a car, and my license. I grew up even more this past year. More than I thought I would. I won't miss last year though, it was a good one, but I wouldn't want to live it again. Its crazy where life will take you if you just sit back and enjoy the ride. Through the good and the bad I made it through another year. 2011, here I come, ready once again to take what life throws at me. On another note. I had so much fun this weekend. I love being with Tommy. <3 I didn't mean to fall in love with him, I didn't mean find him online. I didn't mean for ANY of this to happen, but it has, and even though I didn't ask for it, I am super happy that it has, and I wouldn't change one minute of it. He makes me happier than I have been in a really long time. He makes me smile by being silly. He makes me laugh when he says stupid things. He gives me butterflies with a look, and his kisses? Don't even get me started with his kisses. =] I love him, and I had no control over that. I miss him so much right now, its ridiculous. But soon he will be coming up here, and I can't wait. Because even though I've met his family, and some other people, he has only heard me talk about MY people, and MY town. He says that he is looking forward to meeting Cami and Marissa. And Josh says that he is excited to meet him. =] I can't wait, because I know they are going to get along, and then maybe Tommy will be able to come up here more. I don't know, we'll just have to see how things go. Hopefully its smooth sailing =]

adhlfahdb.

What the hell is going on with my life right now? I dont even feel like I have a purpose. I have a purpose right? I guess it could just be that I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life right now. I hardly go to school, my hours have just been really cut down at work, and I don't have any idea how the job interveiws I had went yesterday. I just feel like I'm going no where, I didn't think being out of high school would make me feel like this... but it is.

Its been a while.. again.

I just don't feel like writing about what is going on in my life right now. From losing Jason and not hearing from him, to me and my dad fighting ALL the time. Or how my back is hurting me so bad its brought me to tears a few times in the last few days. Its really not anything I want to talk about. Something good needs to happen. Soon. because I don't know what good things are happening. I dont have money for my insurance, or my phone bill. And they are fast approaching. I can't stand being around my dad because every time I am, he goes crazy. He yells, and critisizes me, for what? everything. The way I don't spend enough time at home, or my tattoos, or my piercings, my car, the way I dont come home until 1 am. I'm tired of hearing about it.

ghkhakjdhf

I love how you calling me mad me so much happer than I was before. I think that's all I needed, was that little reassurance. ANYWAYS. My life is going crazy right now. work, school, working on m oving..havinga puppy that likes to push buttons, she is making it really hard to type right now. But I love her to death, I'm glad they got her for me. =] So I have been thinking about that dear john thing, where she says two weeks, thats all it took for me to fall for you. I keep thinking how much it fits with me and jason, I mean, yeah, we had known each other for a looooong time, but it was really only two weeks we had together that made me fall in love with him... Speaking of Dear John, I still want to see that movie...

Why do I do this?

I mean, really. why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just LET GO? Its been how long? And I know that its stupid, but hanging out with you, just hanging out and talking, and laughing, made me so happy. I don't know what it is about you, I really don't. But it's been how many years? And we've found each other and kept in contact for how long? Yeah, its kinda hard to forget you...

LMAO!!!

As i lay my eyes on you.. Tears of joy break me through.. Seeing you is like a dream.. As flowers in the morning await the sun beam.. At night i look to the moon,captured by no beauty other than you.. Even the creatures of the sea agree with this too.. I wonder as i flatter you,what should i do? I realise just looking at you is a dream come true!!! Dude, I just joined myyearbook again... not even five minutes after I joined... This was in my mailbox. lololol

So incredibly pissed.

Okay, so what if she isn't freaking pure bred. Neither is Daisy, but no, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with Daisy. And so what that she came from the pound. Daisy came from a rescue shelter. I know that I dont have a thousand or so dollars to go buy a full bred puppy. I know you don't either. But your specifications are too high to freaking find. I've been looking for over a week, and still, nothing that is good enough for you. So I'm done, I am freaking done trying to find a dog that will meet your standards. I am tired of hearing you say one thing, and then another. All I want is a puppy, it doesn't have to be full bred, and it doesn't have to have a certain type of fur. So, I'm done. I am tired of falling in love with a little puppy just so you can say no. And how can you really say that I have to take that puppy back to the pound? Really? Are you that cold hearted? That you can't look at a puppy, and think oh, how can I send that back to the pound? YOu look at her, and think, Mutt, I dont want her, and she has to go back. Thats so wrong.

PUPPPPPPYYYYY!!!

I got a puppy! Her name is Hannah. They told me she was about a year old, but I doubt it by looking at her. She is so playful and totally full of energy.

Its been a while

I'm now done with my training at Outback. Tonight was my first night by myself, and I honestly believe that I did a good job. I know that I messed up once or twice, but I really did do a good job. I have two pins, and you get pins for getting a compliment or working on a holiday. So, I don't know, they mean something. lol. I think that working here is going to be so much better for me. Its so much more engaging, and fast paced, and I like that a lot more than just standing, and cleaning and standing. Its pretty ridiculous. But anyways. I'M GETTING MY PUPPY TOMORROW!!!! My dad finally told me a could get a puppy if I passed the outback test and started training. Well, I did it, and he told me that the puppy had to be a female Jack Russell Terrier, and I wanted a puppy, not a ful grown dog. Its been so hard to find one within price range that was close. DANNNG those dogs are expensive. Like, there were a few that were like $1200-$1500 IT was RIDICULOUS! But I finally found one that was close enough, and just the right price, and Me and Mom are going to be driving there tomorrow and getting her. I'm super excited. =]

Puppy.

I want this puppy so bad. I will pay for everything. Absolutely everything. I mean, I already spoil Daisy, I just want my own puppy to spoil, and one that I can take with me when I go. I know I can do it, I just have to stop spending money on stupid stuff, like 18$ wallets, and I know I can do it. So confession: I want a baby. And I know I CAN NOT afford one, and I do NOT want to raise one myself. But a puppy? A puppy only needs me, and she will be a LOT less expensive, and the responsibility will show me that I do NOT want a baby.... I will find a way to have this puppy.